Saturday, August 21, 2010
I've been waiting for your change of heart
Let me die.
And this time, I actually mean it. I've been so annoyed of late, I don't even know why. I just yelled at my mother and almost got slapped in return. So I'm sorry if I'm kind of snappish of late.
I want to just read and read and read and read and read my life away about cellular evolution and complexity and mitochondria and chloroplast and the 'Z' scheme and nuclear radiation and biogeography and biological hazards and basically,
everything. I want to discuss topics. Economics. Social sciences. Societal pressure. Human geography. History of Russia. Quantum physics. Music analysis. Politics. But noooo, there isn't anyone to share it with and again no one will even care about and want to hear and so then what's the whole of point of finding out things if it's just going to get stored away somewhere in the crevasses of your mind? I'm sick of the need to reply and everything why can't I just shut the world away. Although I know I'm never going to actually rant and complain about this, like this, in real life or anything. Because I don't have the time and no one's going to bother listening to me, and I'll just feel even worse if I tell myself what's going wrong and I won't get a single
freaking second opinion and there's no one I can talk to about just everything, and anything. I wish there were other people around me who were like me, who I can talk to about, say, society, interesting science stuff, math formulas, human geography, economics, and just being able to think of how we can escape the clutches of society's expectations. Which is precisely why living in an enormous castle in New Zealand with three other people is a perfectly feasible solution, in our own perfect and well, mildly contrived world, because life would not be possible with equilibrium anyway.
Sometimes I want to be able to discuss something with people, share opinions, bounce ideas, and just
talk on an actually
intelligent level, not that what I normally talk about is crap or anything, but I want to be able to discuss actually interesting and pertinent topics with people. Subjects that can be open to interpretation in multiple ways, such as sexism and all that, could be considered pertinent and stuff like cellular origins are actually interesting. And I want to be able to talk about music and all that with people who are actually interested to, not like 'pretend interest' because then what's the point of actually having an intelligent discussion? As in like, the whole point of discussions are to bounce ideas off each other and all that, as well as share opinions about a subject matter. Which is what is so rare nowadays and I just want to be able to talk about these topics with someone and actually feel like I've gained something in return after talking to them. Which is almost impossible because what everyday conversation is about just doesn't include talking about random,
interesting stuff and all that. It doesn't question. It doesn't make you think. I want to be able to walk away from a good conversation thinking about something. I don't want to be told to take whatever they've told me for granted, and assume that it's true. I want to be able to use my brain to think and not just accept that whatever people say are facts and that's that. Which brings me to my point about me being snappish again. And I know this reasoning probably doesn't make sense to anyone but it makes perfect sense to me.
My life is just made up of long rants. I want to be a coffee/alcohol junkie when I grow up.
Posted at 9:15 PM
