Sunday, August 29, 2010

No one can predict the wheel of fortune as it falls

Open mouth, insert foot

I feel like an ultimate idiot, and don't ask.

Open mouth, change foot.

LIT AA I NEED TO VIDEO THE FRONT PART.

Posted at 10:17 AM

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

She said nothing, nothing, nothing, She said nothing at all

I love how, whenever I play that 'ask a question and I'll put my playlist on shuffle' game with Michelle my answers are all so... passive-aggressive. It's like I have songs titled "Tell Me", "Silent Treatment", "I'm Not Talking", and et cetera. It is just weird, you know?

Today! After Speech Day rehearsal (which ended at three, btw) we decided to go out to eat! And then Melissa had to go home so the five of us went out together to Far East because we are epicly random. And so we went to eat KFC and I borrowed and indeterminable amount of money from Valerie because I was broke. And then we sat down and talked about random stuff and we all took turns almost choking/spitting out random foodstuff in mouth, which was all in all, quite disturbing. And Priya's and Valerie's expressions were so hilarious I JUST KEPT ON DYING BY LAUGHING AT THEM. Okay it was just really fun! And then we finished eating and went out and then shared some random stories and had a good laugh. Then we sat down at the 'earthquake zone table' and traced the fault lines, where people once again got astonished when kaiyan says that I pay attention in class. And more stories ensue here. And where we started laughing about who-knows-what ohgosh you know what never mind.

Ack. It's 9plus pm. Why is no one online?

Hey I found something off an associate! Again!
Let's start with your name.
Shermine. No duh.

The last person you kissed.
... My dog. Well, technically not a person but yeah.

Describe how you feel now.
Grossed out, but you don't need to know.

Do you remember who you liked on New Years?
OH YES. My cards. And the red wine.

What if your girlfriend/boyfriend was flirting with another girl/boy?
I don't have one. Unless all my girl-friends are girlfriends and all my guy-friends are boyfriends.

Who was your last missed call from?
Michelle. She wanted to ask me about the Math AA handout.

The last person you kissed on the lips said that you were the only one they wanted, would you believe them?
I have not kissed anyone on the lips. And anyway probably not.

What's the number one thing you want in life right now?
Hit 166cm. And my coffee. Gah.

It's four in the morning, your phone rings, who is it?
No one I know would call me in the middle of the night, because my phone is off at night anyway.

Have you ever kissed someone whos name starts with a 'J' or 'C'?
No. Is that a bad thing? No.

Look out of your window, what do you see?
Fifty million trees, stripped of their leaves! (Hey, it has a nice ring to it. It's like almost peotic.)

What do you hear?
This hilarious TV drama in cantonese and it is super hilarious.

Kissed anyone whose name started with a P?
Nope.

Is the last person you kissed mad at you?
HUFFY CAN'T BE MAD AT ME. D:

Are you Irish in any way?
Uh, I doubt it. Other than the whole alcohol thing.

Your parents wanna see you on the show worlds strictest parents, what would you say?
I'm not a parent. Unfortunately.

The last person you kissed went and got a girlfriend, what would you do?
Wow, dog-human? (DIRTY.)

You're stuck in an elevator with the person you fell the hardest for, what happens?
Ouch.

Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
Do I have one? No, I think. I'm pretty much deprived.

Who's the last person you had a sleep over with?
I think it was ATC. In a room with people, AB4. Sharing/spreading sleeping bags, xiaoyun.

Who let you down most in your life?
And what makes you think I'd tell? (Another passive-aggressive answer!)

Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?
I don't have one.

Who's the last person you had a deep conversation with?
kaiyan, no doubt about this. Or maybe you can count the random sharing of stories today as a 'deep conversation'.

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Uh, Vivian, Wei Qi, Dean Gee, Kai Yan, maybe Priya and Vanathi? And ohyeah classmates who were in class at that time.

Where do you go if your locked out of your house?
Get in via the spare key.

What you do before you go to sleep?
Write. Don't ask.

Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning?
Night, 'cause I'm just too lazy to shower in the morning.

Do you say sorry first?
It depends.

Who did you last go out to eat with?
Refer to post above! KFC, Far East. Ring any bells?

Do you toss & turn for hours at night or fall right to sleep?
Hey, it depends.

Are you wearin shorts?
Pants.

What was the last movie you watched? With who?
LIT AA - BALLADS. It was a bit of Troy and A.I. with Louise and Aaheli. And I don'tp even watch movies normally.

Anything funny happen today?
Loads. Like how we figured I actually pay attention in class.

Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?
Nope.

What's something fun you did today?
Go out to Far East.

Did anything make you happy today?
Loads. Which, come to think of it, is rather unusual.

What do you think of when you hear the word 'meow'?
Fluffy.

What are you listening to right now?
Bird Of Prey - Crash Wisdom. Live, 2 June 1994. If I'm not wrong.

Where did you buy the shirt you're wearing now?
It was last year's orientation shirt.

What does the 6th text in your inbox say?
Hmm. I think it was one of the random text messages I send to myself every so often as a reminder.

Who was it from?
Myself. No duh.

How did you get one of your scars?
When I fell off my bike (which cleared the drain btw).

Are you allergic to anything?
Not that I know of. Which basically means no.

Who did you last share a taxi with?
I NEVER TAXI POOL. NEVER. Car, yes, taxi, no.

Posted at 9:18 PM

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Believe it or not I'm walking on air

I have a (few) good laugh(s).

L: Right a grandparent, not a parent.
E: A grandparent is a type of parent.
L: No, it's not.
E: A grand piano is a type of piano, is it not?
L: Well you got me there. Riddler, but I hope that logic works when I crash grandparents' weekend.

L: I think internships are a Communist plot.

L: M, back off. I happen to have a few other things on my mind right now, so forgive me if I haven't put all of my energy into focusing on your dog funeral.
M: I apologize that my loss has come at an inopportune time for you. I will try to schedule the next death when it is more convenient.

L: Thanks. We can check the cake off our list. What else do I need to remember?
S: Don't worry, 'cause I prefer footballs, basically.
L: What?
S: Don't worry, 'cause I prefer footballs, basically.
L: Huh?
S: It’s a mnemonic device. Dress, wedges, champagne, ice, plastic flutes, beaded clutch. "Beaded clutch" is one word.
L: And panty hose.
S: Don't worry, 'cause I prefer footballs, basically, Polly.
L: And tissues and my camera.
S: "Don't worry, 'cause I prefer footballs, basically," Polly teased Chad.
L: Why would Polly tease Chad about preferring footballs?
S: I don't know. Maybe Polly prefers soccer balls.
L: That doesn't make any sense.
S: Well then stop adding stuff to the list.

Good grief I read the best stuff ever.

I SHOULD GET BACK TO WORK. My snoring dog is distracting me. Die.

OHMYGOSH HOW ORIENTEERING. D: D: D: We're gonna dieeee. Andandand MICHELLE THE NOTES (not likely that you'll see this). Give 'em up.

Posted at 10:23 PM

Saturday, August 21, 2010

I've been waiting for your change of heart

Let me die.

And this time, I actually mean it. I've been so annoyed of late, I don't even know why. I just yelled at my mother and almost got slapped in return. So I'm sorry if I'm kind of snappish of late.

I want to just read and read and read and read and read my life away about cellular evolution and complexity and mitochondria and chloroplast and the 'Z' scheme and nuclear radiation and biogeography and biological hazards and basically, everything. I want to discuss topics. Economics. Social sciences. Societal pressure. Human geography. History of Russia. Quantum physics. Music analysis. Politics. But noooo, there isn't anyone to share it with and again no one will even care about and want to hear and so then what's the whole of point of finding out things if it's just going to get stored away somewhere in the crevasses of your mind? I'm sick of the need to reply and everything why can't I just shut the world away. Although I know I'm never going to actually rant and complain about this, like this, in real life or anything. Because I don't have the time and no one's going to bother listening to me, and I'll just feel even worse if I tell myself what's going wrong and I won't get a single freaking second opinion and there's no one I can talk to about just everything, and anything. I wish there were other people around me who were like me, who I can talk to about, say, society, interesting science stuff, math formulas, human geography, economics, and just being able to think of how we can escape the clutches of society's expectations. Which is precisely why living in an enormous castle in New Zealand with three other people is a perfectly feasible solution, in our own perfect and well, mildly contrived world, because life would not be possible with equilibrium anyway.

Sometimes I want to be able to discuss something with people, share opinions, bounce ideas, and just talk on an actually intelligent level, not that what I normally talk about is crap or anything, but I want to be able to discuss actually interesting and pertinent topics with people. Subjects that can be open to interpretation in multiple ways, such as sexism and all that, could be considered pertinent and stuff like cellular origins are actually interesting. And I want to be able to talk about music and all that with people who are actually interested to, not like 'pretend interest' because then what's the point of actually having an intelligent discussion? As in like, the whole point of discussions are to bounce ideas off each other and all that, as well as share opinions about a subject matter. Which is what is so rare nowadays and I just want to be able to talk about these topics with someone and actually feel like I've gained something in return after talking to them. Which is almost impossible because what everyday conversation is about just doesn't include talking about random, interesting stuff and all that. It doesn't question. It doesn't make you think. I want to be able to walk away from a good conversation thinking about something. I don't want to be told to take whatever they've told me for granted, and assume that it's true. I want to be able to use my brain to think and not just accept that whatever people say are facts and that's that. Which brings me to my point about me being snappish again. And I know this reasoning probably doesn't make sense to anyone but it makes perfect sense to me.

My life is just made up of long rants. I want to be a coffee/alcohol junkie when I grow up.

Posted at 9:15 PM

Friday, August 20, 2010

"Six days does not a week make"

I am extremely, extremely, annoyed.

I feel like this entire thing was caused and started by me. And everyone is telling me that no it isn't but I know that it is, so. And yeah, you probably know what I'm talking about, kaiyan. And yes, I'm tired. Not that kind of tired, lethargic tired. It's another kind. It's being tired of seeing all this and no being able to do anything. And telling or sharing it with people doesn't help because they don't feel the same way I do. No one's ever going to see this the way I do.

It feels like everything is fine, but straining. And then one little cut caused by myself just broke it all down, and one by one it just gets worse. Even things that are seemingly unrelated to each other are affected. It's torn down everything. That strain put on the net of trust is just too much. Then when it gives way, everything does. It feels like everything's spiraling out of control and you can't stop it and when you try to wedge it up the wedge just gets caught in the flow and it gets more and more and more and you'll never get away.

I'm not going to cry. It's being strong, you know? I think no one actually gets it but I'll just try to explain it anyhow. It's sort of like, just because you cry, doesn't mean you care. And just because I don't cry, means I don't care. I try my best to control it because I don't want to make things worse. I want to be able to stand up to and take things seriously. And that means being able to control myself. It's just another measure of self-control, and it's effective when everything else isn't. It's helping to keep my sanity in check, anyway.

I want to laugh at myself.

Posted at 6:58 PM

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

And everyday I pay that price, everyday I'm walking on ice

Close the door
Shut the world away
All the fight's gone from this wounded heart
Across the floor
Dreams and shadows play
Like wind blown refugees

Call the man
Who deals in love beyond repair
He can heal the world
Of hearts in need of care
Shine a light ahead
When the next step is unclear
Call the man
He's needed here

I close my eyes
I remember when
Your sweet love filled this empty room
The tears I cry
Won't bring it back again
Unless the lonely star should fall

Call the man
Who deals in love beyond repair
He can heal the world
Of hearts in need of care
Shine a light ahead
When the next step is unclear
Call the man
He's needed here

Needed in the chaos and confusion
From the plains to city hall
Needed where the proud who walk the wire are set to fall

Call the man
Who deals in once upon a time
Maybe he
Can mend this broken heart of mine
Shine a light ahead
Now the future isn't clear
Call the man
He's needed here
Call the man
He's needed here

He's needed here
He's needed here
Call the man

He's needed here
Right here right now

Call the Man, Celine Dion.

Okay today was ORD. What am I supposed to say? Well, it was shorter than last year's. And I actually paid attention to the speeches so it kind of took my mind away from the sore feet. And yeah we cracked a lot of 'facebook' jokes and it was just weird. And then they started telling us stuff and crying and I guess the only motivation for not really crying was last year (Mr Chia saying 'This is a day of celebration!') and being strong for your platoonmates. And then at the end I gave Ashlynna a ride home! And yeah! I'm not really in an appropriate mood to type it all out though, so you'll have to make do with this post. Also I'm going to go off-topic and say that Siobhan Maher has amazing blue eyes, they're like blue ice. ALSO THEY FINALLY HAD THE SENSE TO PUT THE ALGAEMON IN OUR CLASS TRAYS, :D.

Labels: CCA, songs

Posted at 9:28 PM

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

What's wrong with dreaming?

Hey, Jude, don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Hey, Jude, don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better.

And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
Well don't you know that its a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder

Hey, Jude, don't let her down
You have found her, now go and get her
Remember, to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better.

So let it out and let it in, hey, Jude, begin
You're waiting for someone to perform with
And don't you know that it's just you, hey, Jude,
You'll do, the movement you need is on your shoulder

Hey, Jude, don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Hey, Jude, the Beatles.

I'm so sorry I haven't been posting! It's just that, well, yeah, I've been kind of annoyed in general and I wouldn't want to post about it. Not that anyone would want to read about it too.

Life sucks.

OH AND TODAY. Dean Gee came into our class in the morning and kind of reminded us to pay ORD money. And then I checked my wallet and realized I had $12.55 in coins and $0 in notes cos I swapped all of mine off. So it was like, heck, then I'll pay in coins. And then so I counted out $10.50 on coins and yeah it was like an enormous handful. And then Dean Gee opened the door and then Nadra came out and I was like "STAFF." And showed her the handful of coins and it was like A KODAK MOMENT. AN EPIC KODAK MOMENT. I'm never gonna forget that it was super hilarious.

So yeah!

Labels: songs

Posted at 5:27 PM

Sunday, August 8, 2010

I saw her standing there

Behind my smile is a hurting heart, behind my face I'm falling apart. Look closely at me and you will see… the person I am isn't me…

I am quite disturbed, and no I'm not going to mention why.

Anyway!~ (The '~' was just to irritate you Kai Yan if you see this.)
It was NDP celebrations on Friday and well yeah not gonna elaborate. :/ And then we needed to go for Speech Day rehearsal (GOH) and then Kai Yan and I left early to choing off for PSB interview. It was quite okay. I guess?

And oh man I love this... motivational poster? Because of it epic-ness. AND LORELEI'S GLASSES AHAHAH. So now we'll know how to draw them, properly!~

And this, is diabolically funny.
*Ash sends out Charizard*
Misty: No, Ash! You know you can't handle Charizard yet!
Ash: Don't worry, Misty. I think I have enough experience as a trainer to handle anything now. Right, Charizard?
*Charizard turns around and uses Flamethrower on Ash*
Ash: Guess not.
Misty: Now you really look like ash.
Trainer: Hah. Looks like your little plan just... backfired.

And then later in the episode!

JESSIE: "We'd love to hear the rest of your lecture!"
MEOWTH: "Is it available on CD?"
PRIMA: "Tape only! $18.95."
*All of them fall down with a -.- look.*

Posted at 6:07 PM

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Oh my, how I try

OH MY GOD F-WORD DID I LEAVE MY THUMBDRIVE IN THE MAGIC LAB AGAIN?!

I most certainly hope not, if not I am so dead.

Posted at 8:53 PM

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Extension number one

Random chat with Jal:

jallene. says:
omg do yo use to watch pokemon
i miss pokemon
|| shermine says:
Yes
jallene. says:
last time i always watch HAHA
|| shermine says:
Yes
I know right
jallene. says:
and i play pokemon too
its damn awesome
|| shermine says:
but Ash sucks man
jallene. says:
HEH
|| shermine says:
YES OMG YES
omg read the last paragraph of my lastest blogpost
jallene. says:
ooh okay!
wait ah
HAHA OMG AWESOME
I RMBR EVERYTIME I PLAY POKEMON
AND I MEET A MAGIKARP
I CAN END IT OFF WITH ONE HIT (:
|| shermine says:
Yeah
BUT ASH SUCKS SO MUCH LA PLEASE
jallene. says:
AHAHA YA
BUT I LIKE HIS PIKACHU
SO CUTE
|| shermine says:
but please lor
the best attack it has is like
jallene. says:
AND the name ASH is already sounding quite stupid
THUNDER
|| shermine says:
THUNDERSHOCK
jallene. says:
hahahaha
|| shermine says:
Not even thunderbolt please
jallene. says:
but but ITS SO CUTE
|| shermine says:
"Pikachu, use Thundershock!"
You know how WEAK thundershock is man
Competitive battling it kena die one.
jallene. says:
HAAH yeah
pikapikapika (:
|| shermine says:
Yeah
This convo is so going to my blog man
jallene. says:
AHAHA TEEHEE
|| shermine says:
It's so epic ;D
jallene. says:
oh you know the sinnoh region!
those new pokemon!
(though its not very new anymore)
i cannot rmbr eh!
i stopped my pokemoning after hoeen
eh how to spell hoeen
hooen
HAHA IDK
|| shermine says:
hoenn
hahahh
Yeah me also
but my cousin has so I kind of know
and I play cos he wants a dragonair and he's just super unlucky in fishing out one.
AND YET I ALWAYS CAN HAHAHA
jallene. says:
hahahah i think dragonair is very coool
like its so
cool
HEHE
|| shermine says:
I know righttt
It's like
jallene. says:
oh you know i used to play the crystal version on the computer
|| shermine says:
can use surf, flamethrower and thunderbolt
jallene. says:
then my brother had this gameshark thingy
|| shermine says:
I have it on gameboy
jallene. says:
we just type in the code then any pokemon you want it'll pop up! hahaha
|| shermine says:
I HAVE TOO
HAHAHA
jallene. says:
AHA then everytime wanna catch legendary pokemon
just type in the code AND IT APPEARS
|| shermine says:
wtf.
jallene. says:
articuno can appear in the grass one HAHA
|| shermine says:
CHEAT LOR YOU
jallene. says:
AHAHA
|| shermine says:
._.
jallene. says:
im awesome!
|| shermine says:
Yeah whatever!
omg you know right in firered leafgreen
I caught mewtwo with a pokeball hahah
jallene. says:
WAH hahaha cool
pro
i rmbr how i always curse when the pokeball shakes and the stupid pokemon pops back out
teehee
|| shermine says:
hahah
Save state before you throw
Don't waste teehee
jallene. says:
hehe oh but
game shark
allowed me to buy pokeballs for free HAHAHAHA
so awesome right
|| shermine says:
ehhhhhh:/
oh you know right
all my legendaries all use great ball catch one
or some pokeball

Random chat with Phyllis:

|| shermine says:
I just blogged one paragraph about pokemon o_o
phyllis says:
|| shermine says:
And then after I posted it
Jal went like
phyllis says:
i love pokemon too
i know she does
|| shermine says:
jallene. says:
omg do yo use to watch pokemon
i miss pokemon
|| shermine says:
Yes
jallene. says:
last time i always watch HAHA
|| shermine says:
Yes
I know right
jallene. says:
and i play pokemon too
its damn awesome
phyllis says:
got topic to tlak about!
|| shermine says:
yes!
phyllis says:
i really never liked pokemon much
i was more of a Hi-5 type of person ahahha
|| shermine says:
Hahah!
I used to watch it when I was young
And then I would try to predict when and where jubjub would appear!
phyllis says:
HAHAHA I LOVE JUBJUB
soooo cute
|| shermine says:
I KNOW RIGHTTTT ;D
phyllis says:
yeah
and then i loved tim haha
idk why i forgot
|| shermine says:
I loved kathleen
cos jubjub always appeared then
ahah
phyllis says:
ohhh hHAHHAHA
i like jubjub but nto kathleen
like how i cant stand chatterbox
|| shermine says:
ahahh yeah
I loved the stories cos they were so epicly hilarious and made NO SENSE AT ALL.
phyllis says:
YES
|| shermine says:
And yes even when I was five or something I could tell they made no sense at all.
phyllis says:
really
i only realised when i grew older
|| shermine says:
...
._.
phyllis says:
SORRY LA. i not so smart
|| shermine says:
Fine!
;D

Posted at 9:56 PM

I lost direction in the darkness

I just realized today during the rehearsal I smiled a lot more than I have in total for about this entire year. Which is a good thing, I suppose. Ever since this entire fiasco started I haven't been smiling at all so I guess today's just a huge relief.

Thanks everyone for being there for me at some point of time and helping me in some way. Like even Vanessa and Yee Ting! Thank you for letting me know you care, I honestly appreciate it a lot a lot. And I don't even normally use "a lot a lot" cos it's obviously grammatically incorrect and you know I try not to do 'grammatically incorrect'.

Oh and this morning they played California Dreaming (The Mamas and the Papas) on 90.5 and it's like my lucky charm or something. Although I normally listen to the River City People version cos it's on my phone and I do like Siobhan Maher's voice. It's very, how do I say it, smooth. Cos everytime I hear it I seem to be happy on that day. I'm going to request for it to be played every morning. I'll try.

And ohyeah the Part Ds are joining us for community singing. It is quite funny cos the only time they managed to do the rainbow in the same direction (that is, the five of them, which is totally off cos it was a mirror image of ours) for Reach Out For The Skies was the last one. I was laughing a lot today. And also I was kind of freaking Tina out cos of the eyebrow wave thing. It was just epicly hilarious to see people's reactions when you start screwing with their minds by waggling your eyebrows quickly in a certain way, haha.

Thank you for not letting me down again. I really appreciate it, really.

And also! I want to migrate to New Zealand next time (yes I know, escapism is the answer to everything) and live as neighbours with Julia, Ker Rui, and Louise! Our lives would be way simpler and we could just go over to someone's house everyday and discuss stuff like equality and growth rate of people and average height and feminism and global economics and cultural differences and social bias and expectations and all that sort of stuff. I love my exam seating seat mates. Okay, more like the 'too lazy to shift my chair to the other side of the room' group. And for some reason these random discussions always happen when we have have fire drill (cos standing in register order) or have, I don't know, group work to do during exam period. I am also a better pickpocket than Julia. Not only can I pick people's pockets, I can also plant stuff (Ka Ying's pencil) in Julia's pocket how cool is that.

Also S&D yesterday was EPIC. Cos yknow we were supposed to use certain... techniques to write an effective speech. So yeah Allison and Louise and I were campaigning for Magikarp (or Magicrap) rights. So in the end we ended up drawing 'Pokemon Anime Episode -1' which is basically, Lorelei (who has super cool glasses yknow even Louise and Michelle agree with me and I WANT GLASSES LIKE HERS) with a level 100 Magikarp and sweeping out Ash with just that. Yeah, a level 100 Magikarp with Tackle and Splash and Flail wiping his Pokemon out. You suck, Ash. Or maybe just because Lorelei has cool glasses (ahahaha Ash's loss is totally related to Lorelei's glasses). And Lance wiping out Ash's Pokemon with a level 100 Feebas! Which is just as bad, really. But Gyrados has amazing attack and Milotic has amazing Special Defense + Marvel Scale which doubles Defense if Milotic suffers from a status effect like, I don't know, Burn or something. And apparently I'm the only person who they know who actually 'bothers remembering whether Surf is HM 02 or 05'. Or something to that effect yeah. :/ But hey Surf is HM 02 and Waterfall is HM 07 in FRLG and Flash is HM 05 and Whirlpool is HM 07 in GSC. Okayokay JAL READ THIS.

Posted at 9:39 PM

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Look at yourself, it does no good to cry

I love how the title will totally be related to (though not in in the exact same way) the post.

This morning, I went to class pretty early, so I popped into 210 to find Vivian to ask about yesterday cos she comes to school pretty early too. So then she came over and told me about how they talked about, quote xiaoyun, 'platoon dynamics'. Then she told me that they talked about people when they were not there. It was really sad. As in, I felt really, really bad. And then a bunch of other platoonmates (Melissa, Dean Gee, Kai Yan, Phyllis, Wei Qi) came to talk about it too and I was pretty much shocked. Then Kai Yan and I had this mass break down session and I swear I've never felt so bad before. Well, now it's all released and everything and I'm not going to care anymore. I don't know you.

I mean, I don't expect my platoonmates to be perfect, and everything, but really. Fine, I'm telling you now. I expect you guys to be better than this. If you guys had the guts to talk about us, as a whole, to the seniors behind our backs, and act as if nothing had happened the next day, then I don't want to say that I know you guys. Even Kai Yan and Xiao Yun, who I've known for one and a half years, which is at the very least the same amount of time that you know me, defended me, which is saying a lot more than you guys saying on the surface that you want to change everything and be a bonded platoon, but you doing that is just crap.

If you were to ask me, platoon spirit is not just doing idiotic stuff together and laughing at the same lame jokes and eating lunch together and going for all the outings, which, as you know, are all organized by the same group of people. It's about trusting your platoonmates and caring for them. This, as shown when you didn't even bother to tell me what you were saying about me, proves my point that you don't trust me at all. Sure, if you were to tell me, I'll be annoyed and everything, but I'll get over it soon enough. This is going to stay with me forever and it's more hurting than if you were to tell me straight. Care and concern? Tell me how this is care and concern? Even the people who you guys labelled as the ones who didn't care about the CCA bothered to come and ask me if everything was alright, if I was feeling better. They're better than you guys.

Well, I'm not going to cry anymore. If you don't treasure this friendship, I'm not going to either. So there.

[edit: I'm sorry, I know you guys really care. But I just feel really, really bad and I need to get it all out of my system.]

To all those people who tried to help:
I'm sorry. I've really been in a snappish mood lately. Don't take it to heart, okay? And thanks to you guys who helped to comfort me this morning, even though you really didn't have to hug me. But I really appreciated it anyway. And going around class asking if Kai Yan and I were okay, even though we grouched at you. It's times like these that I'm really glad you guys are my friends.
Thank you. (Even though you guys hugged me and I was kind of traumatized.)

Posted at 5:07 PM

Monday, August 2, 2010

One thing you'll never know

Here in my eyes

I have three things to say.

1) Live by your own standards
Telling me what I can or can't do with my life when yours is even more messed up? Sorry, that just doesn't stick with me.

2) If you want to prove something, show it
Fine, so maybe you don't.

3) You misunderstand my intentions
No need to elaborate much.

It kills me to read people's blogs and then thinking, if they had read my previous long ranty post, WHY DON'T YOU GET IT. They just don't get what I mean. It isn't about blaming anyone. It's about how it really isn't going to work out the way we want it to. Sure, maybe it might turn out worse, but it might turn out better too. I just want to have it planned out. I don't want it to be haphazardly done, with everything based on luck or chance.

I hate myself. I hate everything about me. I hate my indecision. I hate how I don't have to guts to stand up and face it. I hate how I can feel disgusted at myself over that.

You were the one who didn't care, not me. Why should it mean anything to me now?

Posted at 8:59 PM