Friday, October 26, 2012
Impermanence
I really think I am going absolutely insane.
Perhaps I already am. Perhaps I need someone to save me. (Or do I - should I - save myself?)
Maybe all I am doing is treading water and trying my very best to
not drown but I'm sure one day I'll give out, and then I'll sink somewhere under those deep black waters and never surface again. Sometimes I don't know if I should fight it on not.
It's a fine gray line I'm walking, and I think right now I'm teetering over the edge to insanity. Perhaps it isn't a line at all. Perhaps sanity is the tip of a sharp (and very very pointy) dagger and everyone is squeezed on that tip, and those who are unlucky enough or lean too far out are pushed off, and they end up
insane.
But that's life, isn't it?
My irrational fear of being lonely (but the constant struggle with how I like to be alone). Or maybe I've lied to others (and myself) for so long that I've forgotten how it's like to not put on a mask. Maybe, I've forgotten that I've been lying all this time.
You don't necessarily have to like the way you work, but the way you work has to, above all,
work. Otherwise it'll all be for nothing, and nothingness is painful. Nothingness is eternal, because everything is impermanent.
Dark Room.
^^ This I will consider for NaNo. Otherwise I'll just stick with notepad/wordpad, because, to hell with formatting. And it helps when you watch your word count when you're typing (it only matters after you're done for the day).
You know recently I was getting depressed after playing Machine Cares (because it IS depressing) and it set me for an idea for my NaNo setting. Maybe my setting won't be fully dystopian, but it'll be conscious (like machine) and the people know it. Everyone knows it. It'll be an interesting write.
I need to read.
I want to start everything again.
I want to start on a new page.
Posted at 5:03 PM
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
A shade of mind-purple
There is a shade of purple that I can decipher and make out in my mind's eye, but I can't find it in real life.
This is both my favourite and most hated part of 天龙八部, for various reasons.
Oddly enough my favourite part in many books is the ending.
阿紫高声道：“啊，是了，我的眼睛是你给我的。姊夫说我欠了你的恩情，要我好好待你。我可偏不喜欢。”蓦地里右手伸出，往自己眼中一插，竟然将两颗眼珠子挖了出来，用力向游坦之掷去，叫道：“还你！还你！从今以后，我再也不欠你什么了。免得我姊夫老是逼我，要我跟你在一起。”
游坦之虽不能视物，但听到身周众人齐声惊呼，声音中带着惶惧，也知是发生了惨祸奇变，嘶声叫道：“阿紫姑娘，阿紫姑娘！”
阿紫抱着萧峰的尸身，柔声叫道：“姊夫，咱们再也不欠别人什么了。以前我用毒针射你，便是要你永远和我在一起，今日总算如了我的心愿。”说着抱着萧峰，迈步便行。
群豪见她眼眶中鲜血流出，掠过她雪白的脸庞，人人心下几怖，见她走来，便都让开了惊步。只见她笔直向前走去，渐渐走近山边的深谷。众人都叫了起来：“停步，停步！前面是深谷！”
段誉飞步追来，叫道：“小妹，你……”
但阿紫向前直奔，突然间足下踏一个空，竟向万丈深谷中摔了下去。
段誉伸手抓时，嗤的一声，只抓到她衣袖的一角，突然身旁风声劲急，有人抢过，段誉向左一让，只见游坦之也向谷中摔落。段誉叫声：“啊哟！”向谷中望去，但见云封雾锁，不知下面究有多深。
群豪站在山谷边上，尽皆唏嘘叹息。武功较差者见到山谷旁尖石嶙峋，有如锐刀利剑，无不心惊，玄渡等年长之人，知道当年玄慈、汪帮主等在雁门关外伏击契丹武士的故事，知道萧峰之母的尸身便葬在这深谷之中。
You know, we were talking about things. I hate it when people try to cheer you up sometimes. At times all that I really just want to do is to feel depressed in peace, and I don't even get that.
Posted at 10:36 PM
Friday, October 19, 2012
世人角色真是为 谎言而上
她已分不清 哪个是真相
发带雪 秋夜已凉
到底是为谁梳个半面妆
With this sort of society we're living in, sometimes it takes a lot to remember that we're alive.
But we are alive.
That is what, I think, is one of the most important things that anyone has to know. Why does salvation have to come in the afterlife? Why can't it be now? Do we even have an afterlife?
I feel so conflicted and confused.
People's faces just don't tell you much. Well perhaps in come cases they can, but those are exceptions. That's what they were made for, deceptions and lies. Like everything else. I think people are just bad for each other. It just doesn't always work out nicely the way you want it to.
I realise my mood is very affected by what I'm writing at the point in time, or perhaps it's the other way round. I write something in my scene/my characters say, then I just suddenly have these waves of emotion when I re-read/mull over them. Perhaps this is what it means to write. To be so much of the character that you feel what they feel.
Maybe I'm just schizophrenic. And once again this propagates my descent into insanity.
I just want to, be.
Posted at 9:48 PM
Saturday, October 13, 2012
I have been waiting all of my life
Today was a good day.
One pretty useful indication of that is that I actually feel good.
So this goes out to everyone who managed to make my day today! Thank y'all for everything today, even though it was awkward and completely unexpected and basically really random I still had an awesome time.
Posted at 8:44 PM
Sunday, October 7, 2012
There's got to be a morning after
I think my preferred self-isolation has finally made me snap somewhere, somehow.
There was this period in time when I thought it was good for me and perhaps it was all I needed, to be alone. In that period of time I actually had a lot done. The scary thing is in that period of time I rarely talked unless I was talked to (and even then I would just give mono-syllabic answers). And it wasn't just talking, it was human interaction. I couldn't even stand sitting at the same table with my family during dinner. I just wanted to be alone.
Obviously a side which I never showed in school, hm. Makes me wonder if I lie to myself and others too much.
In that period of time I managed to accomplish crazy things like writing twenty chapters in two weeks. And my chapters are all about 4000 words long, yeah. I also managed to reflect a lot on myself, my writing, my life, my dreams. The thing is, when you've been alone too long, you stop feeling lonely. But even for an introvert like I am, being alone can slowly sap your energy. After a while I began to feel depressed and started to question myself about everything I did, which by the way isn't a very nice feeling. That was probably the closest I'd been to actual depression in my whole life, and combined with everything else, such as having to be normal in front of everyone else, I actually started having minor breakdowns when I was alone.
Then I took up meditation as a desperate attempt to get out of it. Looking back, I managed to struggle out of it at that point in time, but I think I'm slowly slipping back.
But I really don't want to slip back into that state. I'm scared of my mind. It's so chaotic and empty at the same time. I don't want to look into myself. I've been telling myself to meditate but I can't even do it because that fear is just pressing against the forefront of my mind and simply cannot get past it to delve deeper and feel myself.
I fear I am on the path to insanity.
Lately, I've been dreaming of animals. Mostly butterflies and dragonflies actually. With the occasional crow or cardinal. And before you ask how I know, I do go bird watching.
I suppose the one strange thing that links them all together is that they all fly. I don't know what that means, but when I was thinking about it this morning (a few hours ago?) I figured it must have something to do with my self-imposed isolation.
And just so I remember this: They're so bright they can hurt my eyes even in my dreams. I wonder what that means?
Also on the note of butterflies, did you know that a caterpillar's DNA changes during metamorphosis? So a caterpillar and a butterfly are almost completely different genetically.
其实我并不喜欢快乐的结尾。
但这不代表我喜欢那种让人心疼的结束。
我只是，不想要个结局。
I've started writing my journals in chinese. I think it helps me to sort out my emotions better, because actual writing of the words and the choice of words themselves can convey my emotions much better than anything else. I may not be fluent, but at least I know what I'm feeling, and that's enough for me.
On a side note, I'm titling this year's NaNo
The Theory of Infinity. I'm hoping I'll have something to pour into it. Dystopian universes for the win.
Posted at 9:56 AM
