Thursday, June 30, 2011
Isolation, I don't want to Sit on a lemon tree
Right now I am just like, eh, just let this be over as soon as possible do you bloody know how much it hurts to hold on so long? Just make it quick and clean and maybe it'll be better that way. I'd choose to hold on tighter but it won't help anyway, so why pain everyone and why the fuss? Maybe it's really better this way.
...or it could just be me, really. I think recently I've been having really morbid thoughts, and when I say morbid, I mean really, really, downright disturbing, depressing and gory thoughts. Which if course, is terrible. Sometimes I just to be around people so I can stop myself from thinking about things like this, what the hell is wrong with me?
Must. Think. Happy. Thoughts.
Some people are nice to talk to when you feel upset and just want to think about random things.
/figuratively hugs some infocomm people. Guys, I know you don't know I felt kind of out of it, but thanks anyway.
Also, our podcast project is really entertaining. Sze Ning and I are the people with the mad ideas in the group, and Yi Lei is the one who sometimes crosses out our ideas. Qiqi is the one who proofreads everything and smiles at our ridiculous antics. Infocomm, right now I give you my all.
I wish my parents were more understanding that way.
You know, it scares me that we're specialists and it's only now that I realize with a freaking scary jolt that more than half our time has passed. And now right in front of us is what we've been getting ready for all these years and finally, finally, our time really has come. And somehow I just can't find it in my heart to be prepared. All this time what we've been doing has really come to naught, it seems. No matter how prepared I am, how prepared we are, I just can't seem to face this. It's too soon. It's always too soon, and in a way, always too late. It'll never be just right. There'll never be a right time. Granted, I want to say I just want it to be over so we just just get it over and done with, but somehow, the responsibility of it all is just so. Breathtaking. So large. So, in a warped way, almost... majestic. Gosh, we are so screwed over. Perhaps, though, I won't understand how the others feel about this entire thing. Perhaps I'm the only one. Perhaps I'm not. Perhaps I'll never know. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps, and finally, perhaps again.
Screw this, it's that time of the year again. I realized every year around this time to mid October or so I'll be super depressed somehow and for some random reasons. No, this time it isn't ORD getting me down, it's just, ugh, everything else.
When you start feeling this way you realize the usefulness and value of existential angst.
[/edit: Jeez, I stare at my Writer's Block LJ and wonder if I'm undergoing some sort of existential crisis.]
Posted at 8:19 PM
