Friday, October 26, 2012
Impermanence
I really think I am going absolutely insane.
Perhaps I already am. Perhaps I need someone to save me. (Or do I - should I - save myself?)
Maybe all I am doing is treading water and trying my very best to
not drown but I'm sure one day I'll give out, and then I'll sink somewhere under those deep black waters and never surface again. Sometimes I don't know if I should fight it on not.
It's a fine gray line I'm walking, and I think right now I'm teetering over the edge to insanity. Perhaps it isn't a line at all. Perhaps sanity is the tip of a sharp (and very very pointy) dagger and everyone is squeezed on that tip, and those who are unlucky enough or lean too far out are pushed off, and they end up
insane.
But that's life, isn't it?
My irrational fear of being lonely (but the constant struggle with how I like to be alone). Or maybe I've lied to others (and myself) for so long that I've forgotten how it's like to not put on a mask. Maybe, I've forgotten that I've been lying all this time.
You don't necessarily have to like the way you work, but the way you work has to, above all,
work. Otherwise it'll all be for nothing, and nothingness is painful. Nothingness is eternal, because everything is impermanent.
Dark Room.
^^ This I will consider for NaNo. Otherwise I'll just stick with notepad/wordpad, because, to hell with formatting. And it helps when you watch your word count when you're typing (it only matters after you're done for the day).
You know recently I was getting depressed after playing Machine Cares (because it IS depressing) and it set me for an idea for my NaNo setting. Maybe my setting won't be fully dystopian, but it'll be conscious (like machine) and the people know it. Everyone knows it. It'll be an interesting write.
I need to read.
I want to start everything again.
I want to start on a new page.
Posted at 5:03 PM
