Sunday, October 7, 2012
There's got to be a morning after
I think my preferred self-isolation has finally made me snap somewhere, somehow.
There was this period in time when I thought it was good for me and perhaps it was all I needed, to be alone. In that period of time I actually had a lot done. The scary thing is in that period of time I rarely talked unless I was talked to (and even then I would just give mono-syllabic answers). And it wasn't just talking, it was human interaction. I couldn't even stand sitting at the same table with my family during dinner. I just wanted to be alone.
Obviously a side which I never showed in school, hm. Makes me wonder if I lie to myself and others too much.
In that period of time I managed to accomplish crazy things like writing twenty chapters in two weeks. And my chapters are all about 4000 words long, yeah. I also managed to reflect a lot on myself, my writing, my life, my dreams. The thing is, when you've been alone too long, you stop feeling lonely. But even for an introvert like I am, being alone can slowly sap your energy. After a while I began to feel depressed and started to question myself about everything I did, which by the way isn't a very nice feeling. That was probably the closest I'd been to actual depression in my whole life, and combined with everything else, such as having to be normal in front of everyone else, I actually started having minor breakdowns when I was alone.
Then I took up meditation as a desperate attempt to get out of it. Looking back, I managed to struggle out of it at that point in time, but I think I'm slowly slipping back.
But I really don't want to slip back into that state. I'm scared of my mind. It's so chaotic and empty at the same time. I don't want to look into myself. I've been telling myself to meditate but I can't even do it because that fear is just pressing against the forefront of my mind and simply cannot get past it to delve deeper and feel myself.
I fear I am on the path to insanity.
Lately, I've been dreaming of animals. Mostly butterflies and dragonflies actually. With the occasional crow or cardinal. And before you ask how I know, I do go bird watching.
I suppose the one strange thing that links them all together is that they all fly. I don't know what that means, but when I was thinking about it this morning (a few hours ago?) I figured it must have something to do with my self-imposed isolation.
And just so I remember this: They're so bright they can hurt my eyes even in my dreams. I wonder what that means?
Also on the note of butterflies, did you know that a caterpillar's DNA changes during metamorphosis? So a caterpillar and a butterfly are almost completely different genetically.
其实我并不喜欢快乐的结尾。
但这不代表我喜欢那种让人心疼的结束。
我只是，不想要个结局。
I've started writing my journals in chinese. I think it helps me to sort out my emotions better, because actual writing of the words and the choice of words themselves can convey my emotions much better than anything else. I may not be fluent, but at least I know what I'm feeling, and that's enough for me.
On a side note, I'm titling this year's NaNo
The Theory of Infinity. I'm hoping I'll have something to pour into it. Dystopian universes for the win.
Posted at 9:56 AM
