Saturday, December 15, 2012
Changing minds you hope to find
One more dream to remind you
What is lost can always be regained
Today I turned my back on something I always wanted.
I admit it was a strange feeling. It is something I wanted and it is something I've been fighting for all this time. And suddenly it just hit me that perhaps I should just stop fighting and it will all pass in its own time.
There is this indescribable emotion that I'm feeling right now. It's a tingling itch up my spine. It's a taste of sweetness from feeling a numbness that runs through your self. I don't know what it's called and neither do I want to know. What's important is that I know what it is.
Relief. The feeling of release.
I've been telling myself to let go for so long now. So long that I've almost forgotten. But I haven't.
This is all the past. Don't look back.
And even if it kills me I will never let myself regret giving this up, because for that one sweet moment that I have felt relief, I can feel eternity.
And now maybe that all this is over, I can finally take a breath.
I guess I'm finally learning to let go.
When it's over
When it's done
Let it go
Can you feel eternity? I like to think everyone can. What is eternity, anyway? A human's perception of eternity may not be the true answer.
But answers are only true when they are true to you.
The Buddha says all things are impermanent. So is this fleeting feeling. But for this fleeting moment of relief, I am content. Even if, deep down inside I ever regret giving up, I will never want anything to take back that taste of the sweet rush of release. Relief.
For that short moment, I felt eternity.
The mind exalts in letting go.
We hold on to things no matter how much they torture us only for the relief at the end. But, what if, letting go halfway is so much sweeter than what you'll ever have at the end? Likewise, sometimes you reach a juncture where you need to give up something important to reach that end goal. What if you find that it's not really what you want after that?
Giving up. To most people it's pointless. Working so hard only to give it up. No matter the path, there are no rewards. Depending on how you look at it, it could be either low-risk-low-reward, or high-risk-low-reward.
To me, it's a low-risk-high-reward way of living. Some things you can afford to gamble on, and whether you succeed or not affects nothing but your happiness, your pride, your esteem, perhaps even your future. Those are impermanent. Those are fleeting flashes in the short time we have. Those are but the smallest of small things.
When you gamble with your life, you cannot afford to take risks. And that's what everyone does - gamble with their lives. Life is your only asset. You are born with it. You enter the world ready to gamble with your life at stake. You are forced to take the gamble and roll the die whether you want it or not. If you won't, get ready to see your life being used as another's asset or wait for someone to take the gamble on your behalf.
I am willing to give up everything - my happiness, my pride, my esteem, my future - if it means I'll have another chance at life. Nothing is too much if my life is the stake.
This I admit - I am lazy. I am also a coward. I don't want to have to fight for things. I want things to come my way because that is the way they are, that is the way they are meant to be, and I don't want to spend any more than is necessary on anything. I fear loss.
Above all, I place myself above all others.
I am a conflicted person.
My conflicts define who I am. My conflicts make a person and not a robot. My conflicts make me me. My conflicts are me.
Posted at 5:36 PM
