Monday, February 24, 2014
On everyday violence and friendships
If challenge is something you desire, people who will challenge you are a real blessing. And when you consistently seek challenges, and grow more skilled at meeting them, the group of people who can truly challenge you tends to become smaller and smaller. It often boils down to an intimate circle, the select few who know your weaknesses and understand the kinds of work you need to do to improve, and who share enough of your history to have earned your trust. In that context, violence can form strong social bonds and it can lead to personal growth.
A quote by Susan Schorn on McSweeney's.
Was just reading through her column (again) when I chanced across this quote and remembered that just this afternoon we had a short discussion about friendship and what it was to us. Because (I think it is obvious but apparently some people don't) the concept of a "friend" means different things to different people.
Of course, the article this quote was taken from doesn't actually talk about friendship, but eh, it made sense. And I think this particular paragraph adequately summarises what I believe is important in a friend. It puts into words my convictions I couldn't find the words for.
The people I'd consider as friends are the people who are in that intimate circle of mine, who've seen me as a whole, as who I am, who I can count on to point out my mistakes to me, to challenge me on those counts and help me improve by bettering myself. Above all, they must be people who've earned my trust. And yes, I do agree with the view that violence is one of those ways. But the violence I refer to is not the same as the one in the text because I am after all not a martial artist (well).
What I mean is the sort of times where interact with one another that either exposes yourself to others or hurts them (because this is what a fight of any sort is like), it doesn't matter if it's through your actions or your words. That interaction is one I'd term a fight, a duel, a challenge. Violence. The process is an exchange of blows, a slow testing round pushing on to the final fight itself. And the true opponent - the true friend - will rise up to the challenge. That doesn't mean they all have to respond in the same way and it doesn't mean you have to challenge all of them same way. It could be on an intellectual level - these people will challenge your opinions and make you doubt your opinions, force you to justify yourself, make you a better and more critical thinker. Or it could be on an emotional level - you look at each other's wounds and strengths, teaching each other to deal with them, knowing what to do to improve. There are other types of challenges, not just physical ones, and they know that. If they don't back off, they're worthy opponents, worthy of your challenge, worthy of being a trusted companion. They'll help you build on your strengths and teach you to cover your weaknesses.
Sure, your intimate circle will get smaller as you (and the other person - it is a mutual relationship) improve. You start to leave each other behind. The lessons have been learnt and you can best each other. There is no learning left, there is only history. That's important, but most of the time relationships can't survive on only history. It's a mutual thing. It just stops when you realise there's no more challenge in the interaction, there's no more betterment of either of yourselves in the interactions anymore. You don't see anything in each other anymore. It's not that you've stopped being challengers, it's just that you're looking for different ones, ones that don't coincide, ones that are... fundamentally unlike. Things that you cannot help each other with. Beyond that it becomes history, a previous relationship that helped you get where you are but stopping continuing to keep either of you bounded to each other by the lack of challenge.
It's the challenge that keeps the spark in a relationship, the constant need for a challenge on so many levels that keeps a friendship alive. And the history is what will let you know about the person - how appropriate the person is to challenge you and on what levels. These people who present themselves as challengers, who take their time to raise you (on so many levels), are the people I'd call friends.
Maybe that's why I don't count myself as having many friends.
Maybe we're all seekers of challengers. I hope I find the right ones, the ones who will trade blows with me and will be willing to help me better myself (and I hope to be able to do the same for them).
Posted at 10:23 PM
